Tori Spelling: 90210hhh No

There are so many things wrong with this picture that I don’t even know where to begin. Why don’t we start off with the train wreck of a bikini, hmm?

Tori, love, what on earth were you thinking when you dragged that out of your closet? Don’t get me wrong, that’s an adorable swim suit…but it doesn’t look so hot on you darling.

Hate to break it to you. I know that you had two kids, and that bringing children into this world is a gift, and all of that jazz, but plenty of celebrities have also had children, and they do not have stretch marks the size of a billboard plastered across their sides. At first I thought there was something on the paper that was causing it to smudge, but then I realized that it was just your stretched out skin. Not very attractive Tori.

I think that it is great that you want to go all feminist like and show everyone that you are not afraid to show off your flaws, but there are some flaws that should really be covered up.

No woman in her right mind wants to willingly show off her stretch marks in a bikini. And yes, even celebrities will not do that, because then they get articles like this written about them.

Quite honestly, stretch marks or no, I still think that you would have looked better in a sexy black one-piece. But if you do decide to go to the one piece, please do us all a favor, and do not choose the one that has the side cut out. Because then we can still see your stretch marks. People are staring at you not because you’re famous or pretty, or blonde, but because they can see those stretch marks from a mile away.

While I’m on the body bashing train, I would also like to draw some attention to that right thigh…what the hell is going on with your skin? It looks as if someone grabbed a hunk of your flesh, and heaved it up, creating this oddly grotesque looking image. It’s either that, or the paparazzi caught you in mid run or jog, and your thigh fat just happened to be jiggling all over the place.

Either way could work if you think about it.

I hate to tell you this Mrs. Spelling, but your face doesn’t look like much, mainly due to the nose job you had as a teenager, so try to take better care of that body of yours.

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